“To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything else seems hopeless.” – Gilbert K. Chesterton
Love – the most intoxicating topic of all. It took me a while to finally decide and write about a very personal topic. But I realized, the purpose that I made this blog is to be able to connect people with similar stories and partake in this massive global community of content writers. A wise person once told me, that every word and every piece of the article ever published resonate the inner markings of the writer’s heart. So on this day, I am imparting another story that is close to my own heart. My Story.
Last 2016, after almost two years of playing the field, I was getting tired of being single. After my last rendezvous with love a few years back, I was determined that 2016 is the year I am going to find THE ONE. So I dated, here and there – back and forth, until I became entirely exhausted. Everything is the same thing – you date, you talk about each other, meet every now and then until the spark finally dies off and you never even felt the need to say those three big words. It was becoming frustrating, and I was completely distraught from all the fallacies, and expectations you needed to fulfill before someone finally says that blissful “I LOVE YOU”. I never understood, why everyone is crippling each other’s brain to find love, and yet nobody really wants to give it. At some point, I guess – everyone else was just tired of the same old scene – to love and to hurt, reverted back to you in an endless loophole.
But no, in 2016 – much to my surprise, I fell in love. He wasn’t 6 foot 3, with dazzling basketball skills that I have always dreamed of. He wasn’t even the guy who would play you sweet music from his piano or tour you around the city with his amazing helicopter (Insert more Christian Grey reference here). But he was smart, funny, well-traveled and handsome. In other words, I was captivated. He was a good friend of my friend, and after countless attempts of setting us up, we finally decided to meet. He was like that one drug I could not get enough of. His scent, his face, even that weird stench of sweat after gym seems pretty much alluring to me. I was that enraptured just by being in his presence. But a girl has to be coy, so throughout the relationship, I tried to play it cool. From that first date to 8 months of galavanting around the Philippines and Thailand with nothing but a spoonful of dreams and our hard work- I really thought everything was going to work out. He would live out his dream as a digital nomad and I will follow him two weeks after he sets off to Thailand.
Sounds Perfect, right? Two lovebirds traveling the globe, conquering adversities and milestones along the way. It sounded as if I was beginning to color the empty pages of my book – despite the constant warning of my friends. “Don’t do it.” they said, “Don’t be foolish and follow someone else’s dream! Make your own and follow yours.”, one friend even said, “If he really loves you – truly loves you, he can wait.” – but wait for what? I said. It was my dream to travel the world too! Only this time, I won’t be alone when I do it. I would have someone to protect me, love me and be there for me – and this will definitely strengthen our relationship! I was in love and you know when you are deeply in love, you fail to see even the most obvious things. Until it hits me, quite tremendously. By the middle of 2017 – a month before his scheduled departure, the relationship ended. On the same dreadful day, I also lost my grandfather – and a week before that, I just quit my job. I succumbed to depression pretty quick and I abandoned everything else that I was passionate about. I stopped seeing my friends, and I stopped going out. I rendered the remaining days of my work, and I slowly pulled away from the life I used to know.
When you are 24, people would expect you to have everything figured out. You are supposed to be “mature” enough to own up to your mistakes and figure out ways to solve your problems. In my case, I just sulked. I go to the office to render my turnover with a fake smile on my face and fake my laugh until I get home, so I can finally hit the bed and cry myself to sleep. I thought if I fake happiness- I might eventually find it. Then again, I was wrong. I was literally a walking rendition of a corpse, and I was losing sleep and weight pretty fast! I shrugged off most of my family and friends who would ask me if I needed help. Because even at the time that I was down, I still have so much pride. The last thing I want to do is let people talk about me at this horrid phase of my life.
After weeks and a good amount of psychiatric therapy, I read an article about this one Solo Filipina Traveler, whose story is almost similar to mine. The only difference is, her boyfriend left her WHILE they were already on the road. She said in her story that sometimes, it is through these moments of adversity that we learn who we truly are. The choices that we make from this point onwards can be a defining moment of our lives. In her case, she decided to pursue her travels despite having only $80 in her pocket. But every story does not really have to be the same. Although I realized that I STILL want to travel the world, I am no longer in a rush to do it. I want to fix what is first wrong in my heart before I go fixing someone else’s or serve as an inspiration to anyone. So, with this new inspiration and goal in mind, I decided to get back in shape. I knew that the best way to move forward is to look back on the things that I did wrong. So I did.
I stopped drinking those nasty anti-depressants and started living a healthier mindset. I decided to make time for the things I really love, like singing, guitar, piano, eating, painting, writing and reading. Since I am on antibiotics, I stopped going to late night parties and focused more on my digital nomad lifestyle and I stopped letting other people influence me on the things I don’t want to do. I chose to love who I am, and I’ve grown weary of listening to those who do not think the same way as me. I wanted to be happy, so I removed all the other noise in my life and focused on the sounds that matter most. I decided to pursue my blogging career, until the day I decide to leave.
Now, with a battered heart and a bag full of hope, there is only one more thing left for me to do. I want to say THANK YOU, to that guy who broke my heart a few months back. If it wasn’t for you, I would not have realized my worth. My real worth. I would have gone with you to places, thinking of all the things that are not right in our relationship, and kept clinging unto you because I know that you were that one thing I will never really have – and yet I desperately want. I knew that from the start. If we continued where we were, it would have made both of us extremely unhappy. But I have to say, that I did not really stop loving you. Love is such a huge term and I think I have grown to understand it just a little bit. Love does not really know how to hate, no matter what that person says or do – love will endure. But now I know and I have learned to accept that there are some people, that we can only love from afar. I will continuously support your endeavors and dreams, as I rejoice over your achievements and success. With all my heart, I wish that you can find someone whom you can also travel with. The one who can also spend nights with you and laugh at silly jokes while eating away that sweet delectable piece of ice cream. Someone who didn’t have that much emotional turmoil that I had while I was with you – and for that I am sorry, but it was a lesson I badly needed to learn.
At this point, I can say, as I take my baby steps towards my end goal – know that I am truly happy and I hope wherever you are, that you will be too. If we ever cross paths again in this massive world, I would like to give you a solid hug. Because in the end, you have and always will be, my greatest adventure. So Thank you.
Do you have a similar story to share? Tell me us your story through the comments section below 🙂
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