An open letter to the guy who made me fall inlove with life and music – my grandfather.
Dear Lolo “Grandfather”,
How are you? Where ever you are, I hope you are looking down on us with a smile on your face. Although everyone is still quite shocked at how fast you went, we are coping up with the help of one another. Also, do not worry about me. I will be fine someday, perhaps not now but I certainly will. It’s still difficult for me to accept everything, and I do not know how to genuinely smile anymore without having that pain in my chest that wakes me up every morning. I still cannot stay in your room without missing you or wishing you were there, but I find comfort thinking that your suffering has finally come to an end.
I remember when you told me about the day I was born. You said it was one of the happiest days of your life to finally have your own granddaughter. Since you were not blessed to have a daughter of your own, you poured all the love you can give to me. You would tell us stories before we go to bed, and lecture us about the important things in life. You were my number one fan in everything I do, and you were my hero (and you still are). Whenever I would feel insecure about myself, you would remind me how beautiful I am, and that the right guy for me is someone who could learn to love the beautiful and ugliest side of me. I could recall the day you taught me how to play the piano, and how you would reward me with chocolates every time I played a piece perfectly. Then I decided to sing and play the guitar too, and without any hesitation, you have taught me with such patience I have never seen in any man before. We know how much you love music, but lately, you said, the strings of the guitar hurts, the piano makes you tired and singing is taking a toll on your throat.
I remember every Christmas, despite your limited budget, you will always have something for us. From simple chocolates to well thought-off handmade gifts, you never failed to surprise us and make us feel loved. Even through death, you still surprised me after going through your stuff. As I look through those well-curated albums, I realized one thing, it was mostly pictures of me. Until now, I still could not believe how much I meant to you, and still, I seemed to have neglected that with stupid things such as money and career.
I wasn’t your perfect granddaughter, but you loved me either way- and accepted all my mistakes. Despite the times we argue over the silliest things and my stupid life choices, and how I blindly chase over stupid men, who never really loved me the way I deserved to be loved. Did you remember that day? When I just came back from Canada? You looked at me, the lost and damaged me – and you said I looked stronger than before. I didn’t believe you, of course, I am still insecure about myself in many ways, but I realized that no matter what I do, you will always be proud of who I am.
Days went to months and I got consumed with work and the other things in life, that I didn’t focus much on you anymore. My once hero is now somebody whom I occasionally talk to when I had the time. But despite me being busy, and going home late at night, you still prepared my dinner every day. I would go home at 11 pm and find a pair of dining set waiting for me at the table, as you remind me to make sure I had eaten something before I go to bed. You would get mad and worried when I did not eat breakfast, before I go to work, especially since I started losing weight. I realized now the lessons you have tried to impart me about life. How too much money can corrupt the soul, and how we must never serve it as our basis for success. You told us that even though you are not rich, you feel happy, successful and fulfilled- because you have us.
Perhaps I am going to cry for a month, maybe lesser or more than that. I also know that a lot of people tell me that you’re just my “grandfather” that everyone has meant to part with anyway, or that people lose people all the time but they learned to accept it – all those things doesn’t help. Because all those things are not enough to subdue the pain just yet. I am not ready to let you go yet because I would want to feel as much as I can to reminisce those days I had with you.
Life is indeed unpredictable, so we should not waste it on things that come and goes like money and material things. I also now value one of the most important things you always tell me, I should never settle for a love lesser than what you have given me – and that LOVE is a SERVICE, not a CHORE.
Thank you for the 24 years of love, you will always be the greatest music in my life.
Always your little princess,